Donate To Yourself

I was recently asked to speak at an event about Contribution. My first reaction was “ugh!” The word contribution brought up negative feelings of resistance. I imagined people asking me for money, maybe showing pictures of hungry kids or telling stories about sick people. Someone’s gonna be telling me what I should be doing that I’m not and therefore inadequate and a slacker and really not pullin my weight here in the world. More pressure and guilt. A total downer. Not to mention joy drainers.

So, I decided to talk about how we can contribute to ourselves. Yup! That immediately felt good. And right!... …. But then …….a tiny voice of self doubt appeared in my head saying all attitudey like, “Oh Wow!, contributing to yourself! Aren’t you the generous one!” Then an all out ticker tape parade marched through the streets of my head with comments like, “I can see it now, you’ll be winning Philanthropist of the Year for this!” “Mother Theresa, step aside, a new contender has emerged!” And, “The Mayor will want to get his picture with you and maybe make a plaque in honor of your efforts, to be hung on the walls of our City Hall and possibly your name inscribed on a bench at the park.” (Ya, I was definitely getting mocked ….but it continued). Geez, When you enter a building an announcement will come over the loud speaker saying , “ Banny T is In the House.” “She gives so much!” , “To Herself!”. And your throngs of adoring fans will lift you up in the chair you’re sitting on and carry you around cheering and chanting your name!”

Then, there were even a group of snooty girls in the corner of my mind giving me the evil eye, whispering to each other, but loud enough for me to hear, “Selfish Bitch!”

Ha Ha. “Very funny”, I said to the committee in my head. Let me explain.
If I’m really honest with myself (and now with you too since you’re reading this), for most of my life, there were too many times when I “contributed” for the wrong reasons.

One reason was, I had a hard time saying “No“. I worried that, people were asking and expecting me to help out so I better or their gonna be mad at me and not like me or look down on me. I was doing things for people’s approval and acceptance. I was trying to please everyone.

Christine Kane has a great article on her blog called, Are you a People Pleaser or an Approval Hoar? I think I was both and possibly even a Service Slut.

Reason two, I’ll like myself more. I was taking up space in the world and really didn’t have much to offer as far as unique gifts or special talents, so maybe if I did a lot for people, I’ll earn my worthiness to feel good about myself and my worthiness to be here.

Back then, the idea of doing things for myself, would have sounded selfish. I would rarely entertain it. I remember when I first heard of the Lifestream Basic course for personal and professional growth. I wanted to attend it, because I new it would improve the quality of my life.

But, I felt guilty at the thought of spending that much money on myself. I thought, “I should use that money to take the kids on a weekend trip or to enroll them in an art class or pay off my credit cards.” (Btw, the return on the investment in myself to attend the Lifestream course was 100 fold. Instead of my kids having one more fun weekend, they got a happier mom for the rest of their lives. No brainer! ) I also remember buying blueberries and raspberries and not letting myself have any because they’re so expensive and I felt that I should just save them for the kids.

Another example was when I bought myself a facial several years ago and hardly let myself enjoy the experience because the whole time I was busy thinking about how expensive it was and how it was a bad choice of how to spend my money and who do I think I am, some princess laying there getting pampered with a facial.

Ok so right now you probably either relating to some of these experiences and feelings or thinking , “Wow, what a train wreck!”

The good news is, once I began doing work on myself towards personal growth , I began loving myself more. After that everything else seemed to just fall into place. It’s really quite amazing and cool how this works.

I love and take care of myself first and foremost. (Btw, Loving yourself is very different than being arrogant or thinking you’re better than someone else.) So, as my self love grows, it naturally and effortlessly spills over to loving others in a sincere and authentic way. I say “no”, more often, to things I don’t want to do. They might be things like bringing someone a meal who just had surgery . I LOVE the idea of that and kinda wish I would, but I don’t like cooking at all and am not good at it. So, I’ll have to leave that for someone else.

Now, I contribute with things I like to do. And the total kicker is that when I am contributing to others with things I enjoy, and use my own natural gifts, like teaching about meditation or personal growth, leading a meditation or writing this blog, not only is it almost effortless, I’m actually feeding myself!. I get JUST as much or more out of it as anyone else does. It’s Totally F@$$in cool!

I continue to contribute more and more to myself all the time. I actually spend a lot of money and give a lot of time to myself. Not things like buying some useless consumer good, but things that feed my soul . It could be things like, taking regular walks in the woods, attending personal growth workshops every few months, taking an art class, dance class, music lessons, writing class, joining a drama club, seeing a counselor or psychologist, signing up for a meditation class, buying a new meditation cd, giving myself time each day to read a book that uplifts me (see my suggested reading list), getting a massage or reiki once a month, , buying some magnetic reflexology sandals (that one was a joke) , etc.

Ok, so I just took a break from writing this blog cause it’s a beautiful day outside. I told myself I was going to take 30 minutes to lie in the sun. As SOON as I sat down, I thought of about 3 different things that I could be doing that are more productive like laundry and payin the bills and sweeping the kitchen floor. Then , in order to not get up and do any of those things, I had to list for myself all of the things that I had accomplished that day and therefore have earned the 30 minutes in the sun. Shit! I guess I haven’t arrived yet……… But I AM farther along on the journey.

So ….. when I contribute to my own growth, I am improving my relationship with myself. The other huge bonus is that as my relationship with myself improves, my relationships with everyone else seems to naturally improve easily and effortlessly. It’s very cool. I really believe the happier we are the more we have to offer to everyone that crosses our path. Even if it’s just that we smile more at people and how that can lift another person up. ( Oh ya, and people who really like themselves and are “comfortable in their skin” are also way hotter, no matter what they look like.)

Ok so here’s a simple little test to see how your relationship with yourself is doing. Right now, step away from the computer. Go to the nearest mirror. Look yourself straight in the eyes and say out loud, “ I love you _____” and put your name in there…..Well? Don’t just sit there. Do it!
How did it feel? It is kinda unusual to do so it’s gonna feel a little strange, but if it felt really uncomfortable, then that may be a sign that you need to contribute more to your relationship with yourself. When that relationship is good, life is SO much more fun for you and everyone that you encounter!

- Banny